Jonathan’s Best Foote Forward

In thinking back over my meteoric rise to Mach 5-fame in the Empire of Audiophilia (upon which the sun never sets), I’m mindful of the question fans most often ask. “Jonathan, where do I apply for balls like yours?” Nowhere, foolish interlocutor! They’re a gift from the Almighty. Along with my striking good looks and luck.

“Jonathan, in that review where you actually endorse the amazingly dollar’d CD transport with the bit of string, what most pleased you about the device?”

Why, the very bit of string you mention, foolish interlocutor. As I tried to make clear in my review (can you people not read?!), the string’s provenance profoundly affects the transport’s sound. I got a quite remarkably different result when I tweaked the amazingly dollar’d transport with a length of coarse thread from a penitent’s hair shirt. Whatever I played, the silliest stuff, seemed suddenly serious, astringent even – bitter, distraught. Substituting the penitent’s coarse thread with another from the vertical aspect of Britney Spear’s (unlaundered) G-string, I heard that which I hesitate to describe lest I become irreversibly aroused. Butt-floss in general does the trick, thought not (of course) to the degree I experience.

“Jonathan, why is it that you never complain about the price tags of the stuff you write about?”

Conditioning. It’s all about conditioning. And wrists. It’s also all in the wrists. I’m a Monopoly collector – the game, I mean. Started when I was a kid. I’ve got about 300 sets in a whole lot of languages. When you shuffle through as much Monopoly money as I’ve handled, a $25,000-plus CD transport that uses string doesn’t seem such a stretch. (I made a little funny there. Hope you’re not too stupid to have picked up on it.) It also helps to have had a guided tour through a multi-national bank’s platinum reserves. Boy, talk about stacked! (Stacked. Get it? Snicker, snicker.) One or two of those little bricks buys the hottest system you can think of. Nothing’s beyond reach or indeed implausible if only you’re willing to fantasize.

“Jonathan, have you ever reviewed a piece of super-expensive gear you thought was a rip-off?”

Not possible. I call that kind of thinking subversive. Un-Audiophilian. Terroristic, even. Who sent you? Security!

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